In defense of the turtleneck

     I feel like the blogger world would be totally supportive of my profound love for turtlenecks (especially of the circa 1996 Gap kind). I mean, if a version of the turtleneck is good enough for Chanel to send down the runway, I've got to say it's good enough for me, right?
     My suburban-preppy, Lilly Pulitzer obsessed high school would argue otherwise. I find myself tweeting out my love for turtlenecks on the regular, and this, at times, can lead to desperate attempts and tweet backs to stop the spread. Not that it's very effective in my case: just recently, I proudly sported a turtleneck and purple lipstick combo to school (a double whammy of the socially unacceptable). You can't stop me.

     So what is it about the turtleneck that scares people away so much? I can't figure it out. Instead, I've curated a list of the distinctive pros that turtlenecks can bring to the brave souls who wear them.

Low-quality turtleneck gif ft. my sister, a Gap turtleneck, tucked in hair, a facepalm...

1. The most obvious of all the pros is the comforting warmth that a turtleneck can bring wearers. Grandmothers often wear turtlenecks, and grandmothers really like to be comfortable. Is that not proof enough? A turtleneck is essentially a scarf and a long sleeve shirt all fit together, except you can wear more scarves on top without looking like you were consumed by one. And I think that's pretty handy.

2. One of my favorite items in defense of the turtleneck is it's ability to convince peers of a wearers fashion superiority. This may seem counterproductive, since, well.... turtlenecks...but I can assure you: if you can wear something with confidence, especially if it's something weird, people will automatically assume you know what you're doing. Case in point: socks with sandals. Weird. Usually not recommended, but totally. recommended. everywhere.

3. Yet another classic turtleneck pro is it's ability to cover up the double triple copious chins of the wearer. If you're me (and you probably are), there's a good chance you've accidentally mastered the art of the 7-layer chin selfie on snapchat. It's a pretty common side effect of the "secret" Snapchat (i.e. the Snapchat from the under-angle, often used in public situations where you don't want the people around you to know you're actually just sitting in class taking unattractive photos of your face). Since the turtleneck covers 99% of the upper body, these chins are sufficiently harder to create and view in pictures--and in the Golden Age of the Selfie, this is very important.
A turtleneck also covers up the entire neck, and if you wear it in black at night, you can maybe look like a floating head. That's just one more cool trick offered to wearers.

4. Possibly the single best pro of wearing such an apparently hated article of clothing is the possibility of superb turtleneck hair. If you don't know what that is, a) you're missing out, and b) you should google it immediately (or just check out the gif of my sister, who's being forced to rock it).
The never-ending quest to sport the ideal head of turtleneck hair is a very real thing. Think about it this way: there's no hairstyle better than a perfectly messy up-do that is out of the way of your face, but requires no effort. So what if you lost all of your ponytails? Just tuck it straight into your shirt.


Even after acknowledging all of the amazing positives that a simple turtleneck can bring you, I'm sure you have one thought lingering in your mind: what if your peers, like mine, still can't accept your choice of shirt?
Not to worry!
Your super high neckline can come in handy as you pull it from its scrunched-up resting position on your neck to consume your face. If you can't see the haters, they can't see you. Right?
...right?